Back and Annoyed at Cuba

I am seriously annoyed at Cuba...as in Gooding Jr, not Fidel Castro. I mean what is going on with this guy? Didn't he used to be a serious actor? Why is he always hugging Michael Jordan and telling him that he is "wearing his underwear"? If I see that commercial one more time I may have to throw my TV out the window.

I just thought you should know.

Batman - The Song

A couple of years ago the band Five for Fighting had a big, hit song called Superman (It’s Not Easy). I’m sure that you heard it…a lot. Anyway, it talks about how difficult life is for Superman, the so-called “Man of Steel.” The song is written from Superman’s perspective. It has such memorable lines as “I can’t stand to fly”, “wish that I could cry” and “it’s not easy to be me.” Well quite frankly all this makes Superman seem like a big, fat, whiny baby. I mean does that “S” on your chest stand for “Super” or for “Sissy?” Poor ol’ Superman…yes, he is faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, able to leap tall buildings in a single bound and pretty much generally indestructible…but gosh darn it his life is soooo hard.

Boo freakin’ hoo.

So I decided to write my own song. It is about Batman…a guy that doesn’t have super powers or super strength, yet fights for the world…without question or complaint. Here is Batman’s perspective on what it takes to be a super hero…sing it to the music of Five for Fighting’s Superman:

Driving home last Friday night
With memories in my backseat
My wheels, my resolve, my purpose
Firmly grounded with my feet

A direction I’ve chosen
A choice I’ve made
A duty to protect
A promise that will not fade

I am a man
That wants to succeed
In helping every soul
That comes in need
Wherever they are
Whatever their fright
I will be there to help
I am the Dark Knight

Some may wonder
And ask how can this be
How can I survive
With so many dependent on me

Like a doctor, always on call
I will catch them when they fall
I won’t runaway and try to hide
I use the power that lies inside
I’m only a man with the power to care
When they’re in trouble, I’ll always be there

I am a man
That wants to succeed
In helping every soul
That comes in need
Wherever they are
Whatever their fright
I will be there to help
I am the Dark Knight

My Top 4 Worst Movies of 2005

In 2005 I saw quite a few movies that were anything but great (Mr. and Mrs. Smith, The Bad News Bears and The Amityville Horror). But the four movies I am about to discuss were downright horrible. They are listed in descending order...as in going downhill...the #1 movie is my choice for the worst movie of the year.

4. Wolf Creek
I love horror movies...at least I used to, until I saw this movie. It is by far one of the slowest, most boring horror movies ever made. For the first 30 minutes I really thought I might be watching the video of someone's vacation in Australia, not a "scary" movie. It is that bad...trust me.
See my complete review here.

3. The Ring 2
To steal a famous phrase used by David Spade, "I liked this movie the first time I saw it...when it was called The Ring." It really is almost a carbon copy of the original movie...with one exception...the first film was good. Oh well, at least Naomi Watts is in it.

2. Elektra
I cannot possibly express how disappointed I was with this movie. I had such high hopes, but who wouldn't, with hot Jennifer Garner (she didn't look so good), Daredevil (he wasn't in it), a great story (it sucked) and loads of butt-kickin' action (there was next to none)...it had to be good...right?
Wrong.
See my complete review here

1. Rumor Has It
I won't spend much time dwelling on this...my full review did plenty of that. But I do want to say that it is the ONLY movie I saw in 2005 that made me feel like I had lost 2 hours of my life that I can never, ever get back. It also has the distinction of being the ONLY movie I considered walking out of. Not only is it easily the worst movie I saw in 2005, I'm confident in saying it is the worst movie I have seen this century.

My Top 10 Movies of 2005

I saw 40 of the 580 movies that were released in 2005. That is one movie every 9.13 days...and yes…I do have a life. It just involves going to the movies a lot. Generally speaking, I enjoy (on some level) most of the movies that I go to see. Here are my ten favorites from the year 2005.

10. War of the Worlds
A great science fiction movie with lots of action, awesome special effects and the best child actor in all the land – Dakota Fanning. Too bad it also had one of the worst endings…ever.

9. Coach Carter
Basketball and Samuel L. Jackson…’nuff said. See my review here.

8. Wedding Crashers
Vince Vaughn is unstoppable. Add Owen Wilson and you have the 2nd best comedy of the year. There are parts of this movie that are laugh-out-loud funny, no matter how many times you see it.

7. The 40 Year Old Virgin
The best comedy of the year. I had never even heard of Steve Carell before this film, but he delivered. Side note: Never sell your action figures for a girl!

6. Serenity
Even though I am a big fan of writer/director Joss Whedon‘s previous work (Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel) I did not have high hopes going into this movie. I was pleasantly surprised (ok, shocked) by what I saw on the big screen. Serenity is a sci-fi movie packed with tons of action and humor. I liked it so much that I bought Firefly (the TV series the movie is based upon) on DVD.

5. Munich
I knew almost nothing about the terrorism that took place at the 1972 Munich Olympics. This film covers the aftereffects of that event, as Israel undertakes a secret mission to eradicate everyone involved in the planning of the attack. The movie is full of suspense but it also succeeds in making the viewer take a long hard look at the costs of terrorism…on both sides of the conflict.

4. Walk the Line
A tremendously entertaining movie about Johnny Cash, with great performances by Joaquin Phoenix and Reese Witherspoon.

3. Cinderella Man
As boxer James Braddock during the Great Depression, Russell Crowe gives the best performance of his career. Although the film has plenty of boxing action, it succeeds most in showing us how a man that was down on his luck turned the tables, and became a source of inspiration for the entire country.

2. King Kong
I had such a great time at this movie! The film took me back to being a kid watching all those old Japanese, King Kong vs. Godzilla movies on television. Truly a fun movie-going experience.

1. Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith
Come on now…did you really expect me to pick anything else? George Lucas (the KING of screwing stuff up) finally did something really right (for the most part). Anakin Skywalker becomes Darth Vader…it doesn’t get any better than that!

Please Tell Me This Is A Joke

Today, I was minding my own business, riding in the car and listening to XM satellite radio. As I scrolled through the list of stations a horrifying thing caught my attention...apparently there is a group called the John Mayer Trio. I mean what in the blue hell is going on here? Is this for real? It is bad enough that there is ONE John Mayer...but three?!?!? Why does it take three people to play crap? I mean Mr. Mayer has been proving for years that he can play crap just fine all by himself. Perhaps he could just join Maroon 5 to make Maroon 6. Then at least all my least favorite musicians would be together in one place. It would be cool...they could all hit on Justin Timberlake together and Jennifer Love Hewitt could break up with all of them at the same time.

Please...someone...shoot me now. Seriously.

Cheaper by the Dozen 2 (Movie Review)

Steve Martin is back as the father of twelve troublemaking kids in the family comedy Cheaper by the Dozen 2. Martin is joined in the sequel by Bonnie Hunt, Carmen Electra, a scary looking Hilary Duff and Tom Welling (Superman on the TV show Smallville).

This time around Martin and the clan head up to Lake Winnetka for a fun filled family vacation. Once there, Martin runs into his long time arch nemesis, played by Eugene Levy (better known as the dad from American Pie). The summer is full of hijinks, water sports and the pains of blossoming young love (I typed that as sarcastically as possible). It is all topped off with an end-of-summer Battle Royal between the families staying at the lake, as they clash head-to-head in a variety of contests (such as a 3 legged race, log roll competition, volleyball, etc.).

Cheaper by the Dozen 2 is a simple, nice little family film. It has some funny parts…but not many. That said, I really enjoyed the movie…although I’m not exactly sure why.

The Good: Steve Martin is always entertaining and the kids are funny to watch.
The Bad: The acting; Eugene Levy is not funny…at all.
The Ugly: It hurts me to say it but…Hilary Duff. Come on Hilary, put some weight back on and take some makeup off. One more thing…crack is not an FDA accepted diet plan.

My Recommendation: If you have young kids, take them to see it. Otherwise, wait for it to come out on DVD or The Disney Channel.

Wolf Creek (Movie Review)

I love horror movies. I did not love, or even like, Wolf Creek.

The basic premise is that two gals and a guy are partaking in a road trip across Australia. After an excruciatingly boring 30 minutes of them driving around doing nothing, they finally arrive in the desolate town of Wolf Creek. Here, they encounter a serial killer that proceeds to torture them in ways that were probably pretty cool…unfortunately most of the “good” stuff wasn’t shown. Also, it is not very scary. There isn’t a single moment that you “jump” out of your seat (definitely a setback for a horror movie). However, the main problem is that the 20 or so entertaining minutes in the movie are sandwiched between unbelievably boring segments at the beginning and end of the film.

Prior to seeing this movie I had heard in the media that it was “really gory and gross” and that some critics even considered walking out of the movie. I’ll be honest…that got me really stoked to see this film. Unfortunately, all I walked away with is the knowledge that some people have really weak stomachs, because the torture scenes were not all that different from every other horror movie.

The Good: Not much.
The Bad: Not scary, not funny, not enough victims.
The Ugly: Doesn’t even have a hot girl in the film…a MUST in any good horror flick.

My Recommendation: Watch it on cable…but not until it is already 25-30 minutes into the movie. Believe me, you will not miss anything.