The 1013

Back and Annoyed at Cuba

2008-02-27T23:14:00.003-05:00

I am seriously annoyed at Cuba...as in Gooding Jr, not Fidel Castro. I mean what is going on with this guy? Didn't he used to be a serious actor? Why is he always hugging Michael Jordan and telling him that he is "wearing his underwear"? If I see that commercial one more time I may have to throw my TV out the window.

I just thought you should know.

Batman - The Song

2006-02-12T23:15:00.000-05:00

A couple of years ago the band Five for Fighting had a big, hit song called Superman (It’s Not Easy). I’m sure that you heard it…a lot. Anyway, it talks about how difficult life is for Superman, the so-called “Man of Steel.” The song is written from Superman’s perspective. It has such memorable lines as “I can’t stand to fly”, “wish that I could cry” and “it’s not easy to be me.” Well quite frankly all this makes Superman seem like a big, fat, whiny baby. I mean does that “S” on your chest stand for “Super” or for “Sissy?” Poor ol’ Superman…yes, he is faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive, able to leap tall buildings in a single bound and pretty much generally indestructible…but gosh darn it his life is soooo hard.

Boo freakin’ hoo.

So I decided to write my own song. It is about Batman…a guy that doesn’t have super powers or super strength, yet fights for the world…without question or complaint. Here is Batman’s perspective on what it takes to be a super hero…sing it to the music of Five for Fighting’s Superman:

Driving home last Friday night
With memories in my backseat
My wheels, my resolve, my purpose
Firmly grounded with my feet

A direction I’ve chosen
A choice I’ve made
A duty to protect
A promise that will not fade

I am a man
That wants to succeed
In helping every soul
That comes in need
Wherever they are
Whatever their fright
I will be there to help
I am the Dark Knight

Some may wonder
And ask how can this be
How can I survive
With so many dependent on me

Like a doctor, always on call
I will catch them when they fall
I won’t runaway and try to hide
I use the power that lies inside
I’m only a man with the power to care
When they’re in trouble, I’ll always be there

I am a man
That wants to succeed
In helping every soul
That comes in need
Wherever they are
Whatever their fright
I will be there to help
I am the Dark Knight

My Top 4 Worst Movies of 2005

2006-02-07T23:19:00.000-05:00

In 2005 I saw quite a few movies that were anything but great (Mr. and Mrs. Smith, The Bad News Bears and The Amityville Horror). But the four movies I am about to discuss were downright horrible. They are listed in descending order...as in going downhill...the #1 movie is my choice for the worst movie of the year.

4. Wolf Creek
I love horror movies...at least I used to, until I saw this movie. It is by far one of the slowest, most boring horror movies ever made. For the first 30 minutes I really thought I might be watching the video of someone's vacation in Australia, not a "scary" movie. It is that bad...trust me.
See my complete review here.

3. The Ring 2
To steal a famous phrase used by David Spade, "I liked this movie the first time I saw it...when it was called The Ring." It really is almost a carbon copy of the original movie...with one exception...the first film was good. Oh well, at least Naomi Watts is in it.

2. Elektra
I cannot possibly express how disappointed I was with this movie. I had such high hopes, but who wouldn't, with hot Jennifer Garner (she didn't look so good), Daredevil (he wasn't in it), a great story (it sucked) and loads of butt-kickin' action (there was next to none)...it had to be good...right?
Wrong.
See my complete review here

1. Rumor Has It
I won't spend much time dwelling on this...my full review did plenty of that. But I do want to say that it is the ONLY movie I saw in 2005 that made me feel like I had lost 2 hours of my life that I can never, ever get back. It also has the distinction of being the ONLY movie I considered walking out of. Not only is it easily the worst movie I saw in 2005, I'm confident in saying it is the worst movie I have seen this century.

My Top 10 Movies of 2005

2006-01-31T23:14:00.000-05:00

I saw 40 of the 580 movies that were released in 2005. That is one movie every 9.13 days...and yes…I do have a life. It just involves going to the movies a lot. Generally speaking, I enjoy (on some level) most of the movies that I go to see. Here are my ten favorites from the year 2005.

10. War of the Worlds
A great science fiction movie with lots of action, awesome special effects and the best child actor in all the land – Dakota Fanning. Too bad it also had one of the worst endings…ever.

9. Coach Carter
Basketball and Samuel L. Jackson…’nuff said. See my review here.

8. Wedding Crashers
Vince Vaughn is unstoppable. Add Owen Wilson and you have the 2nd best comedy of the year. There are parts of this movie that are laugh-out-loud funny, no matter how many times you see it.

7. The 40 Year Old Virgin
The best comedy of the year. I had never even heard of Steve Carell before this film, but he delivered. Side note: Never sell your action figures for a girl!

6. Serenity
Even though I am a big fan of writer/director Joss Whedon‘s previous work (Buffy the Vampire Slayer and Angel) I did not have high hopes going into this movie. I was pleasantly surprised (ok, shocked) by what I saw on the big screen. Serenity is a sci-fi movie packed with tons of action and humor. I liked it so much that I bought Firefly (the TV series the movie is based upon) on DVD.

5. Munich
I knew almost nothing about the terrorism that took place at the 1972 Munich Olympics. This film covers the aftereffects of that event, as Israel undertakes a secret mission to eradicate everyone involved in the planning of the attack. The movie is full of suspense but it also succeeds in making the viewer take a long hard look at the costs of terrorism…on both sides of the conflict.

4. Walk the Line
A tremendously entertaining movie about Johnny Cash, with great performances by Joaquin Phoenix and Reese Witherspoon.

3. Cinderella Man
As boxer James Braddock during the Great Depression, Russell Crowe gives the best performance of his career. Although the film has plenty of boxing action, it succeeds most in showing us how a man that was down on his luck turned the tables, and became a source of inspiration for the entire country.

2. King Kong
I had such a great time at this movie! The film took me back to being a kid watching all those old Japanese, King Kong vs. Godzilla movies on television. Truly a fun movie-going experience.

1. Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith
Come on now…did you really expect me to pick anything else? George Lucas (the KING of screwing stuff up) finally did something really right (for the most part). Anakin Skywalker becomes Darth Vader…it doesn’t get any better than that!

Please Tell Me This Is A Joke

2006-01-16T22:47:00.000-05:00

Today, I was minding my own business, riding in the car and listening to XM satellite radio. As I scrolled through the list of stations a horrifying thing caught my attention...apparently there is a group called the John Mayer Trio. I mean what in the blue hell is going on here? Is this for real? It is bad enough that there is ONE John Mayer...but three?!?!? Why does it take three people to play crap? I mean Mr. Mayer has been proving for years that he can play crap just fine all by himself. Perhaps he could just join Maroon 5 to make Maroon 6. Then at least all my least favorite musicians would be together in one place. It would be cool...they could all hit on Justin Timberlake together and Jennifer Love Hewitt could break up with all of them at the same time.

Please...someone...shoot me now. Seriously.

Cheaper by the Dozen 2 (Movie Review)

2006-01-15T00:03:00.000-05:00

Steve Martin is back as the father of twelve troublemaking kids in the family comedy Cheaper by the Dozen 2. Martin is joined in the sequel by Bonnie Hunt, Carmen Electra, a scary looking Hilary Duff and Tom Welling (Superman on the TV show Smallville).

This time around Martin and the clan head up to Lake Winnetka for a fun filled family vacation. Once there, Martin runs into his long time arch nemesis, played by Eugene Levy (better known as the dad from American Pie). The summer is full of hijinks, water sports and the pains of blossoming young love (I typed that as sarcastically as possible). It is all topped off with an end-of-summer Battle Royal between the families staying at the lake, as they clash head-to-head in a variety of contests (such as a 3 legged race, log roll competition, volleyball, etc.).

Cheaper by the Dozen 2 is a simple, nice little family film. It has some funny parts…but not many. That said, I really enjoyed the movie…although I’m not exactly sure why.

The Good: Steve Martin is always entertaining and the kids are funny to watch.
The Bad: The acting; Eugene Levy is not funny…at all.
The Ugly: It hurts me to say it but…Hilary Duff. Come on Hilary, put some weight back on and take some makeup off. One more thing…crack is not an FDA accepted diet plan.

My Recommendation: If you have young kids, take them to see it. Otherwise, wait for it to come out on DVD or The Disney Channel.

Wolf Creek (Movie Review)

2006-01-13T17:40:00.000-05:00

I love horror movies. I did not love, or even like, Wolf Creek.

The basic premise is that two gals and a guy are partaking in a road trip across Australia. After an excruciatingly boring 30 minutes of them driving around doing nothing, they finally arrive in the desolate town of Wolf Creek. Here, they encounter a serial killer that proceeds to torture them in ways that were probably pretty cool…unfortunately most of the “good” stuff wasn’t shown. Also, it is not very scary. There isn’t a single moment that you “jump” out of your seat (definitely a setback for a horror movie). However, the main problem is that the 20 or so entertaining minutes in the movie are sandwiched between unbelievably boring segments at the beginning and end of the film.

Prior to seeing this movie I had heard in the media that it was “really gory and gross” and that some critics even considered walking out of the movie. I’ll be honest…that got me really stoked to see this film. Unfortunately, all I walked away with is the knowledge that some people have really weak stomachs, because the torture scenes were not all that different from every other horror movie.

The Good: Not much.
The Bad: Not scary, not funny, not enough victims.
The Ugly: Doesn’t even have a hot girl in the film…a MUST in any good horror flick.

My Recommendation: Watch it on cable…but not until it is already 25-30 minutes into the movie. Believe me, you will not miss anything.

Rumor Has It (Movie Review)

2006-01-03T00:43:00.000-05:00

This movie is a perfect example of a great idea that goes absolutely nowhere. Jennifer Aniston, Kevin Costner , Mark Ruffalo (with one of the most annoying voices on the planet) and Shirley MacLaine star in this comedy with ZERO laughs.

The basic premise is that Sarah, portrayed by our friend Jennifer suspects that her family was the inspiration for the movie The Graduate. You know…that movie with Mrs. Robinson...she seduces a much younger guy…anyway, I’m sure you’ve heard the song a few million times. Sarah sets out to prove that her dad is not really her dad, that her real father is actually a guy who slept with her mother and grandmother (not at the same time). Excited yet? Me neither. All sorts of boring stuff follows and then mercifully the movie ends.

At one point in the movie one of the characters says “you can’t spend all your life chasing after ghosts.” This deep conversation really made me think, “Wow, this movie would be a lot better if there actually were ghosts in it.” Then another character says she needs a camera for her honeymoon in case she sees some monkeys. Again, I started to think, “This movie would be so much better if there were monkeys in it.”

If that doesn’t say it all, this probably does…during the movie, I actually spent about ten minutes of my time staring off into space visualizing the movie King Kong in my head. It was awesome!!

This movie could have been quite funny…but it’s not. Jennifer Aniston is pretty hot, but even she can not save this film. Trust me… it is horrible. Save your money and your time.

Briz in the Hood

2005-04-12T23:13:00.000-04:00

Sorry this sucks…but at least I updated. (more to come)

The other day I was walking around outside and I just started thinking about how great hoods are. I’m not talking about your neighborhood, the tough dude down the street or some guy that steals from the rich and gives to the poor. I’m talking about hoods…as in a “hooded” sweatshirt. Now that we’ve got that straight…here are my top 10 great things about Hoods.

10. They keep your ears warm.
9. They help block out all the noise around you.
8. They hide you from people you do not want to see or talk to.
7. They are an extra pocket to carry cool stuff in.
6. They provide entertainment such as pulling the drawstrings as tight as possible so that the hood swallows your face.
5. They keep you dry.
4. They make it easy to grab a hold of the person walking in front of you.
3. You can be in a room full of people…put your hood up and suddenly you are alone in the room and isolated from the world.
2. Nothing sounds cooler than rain landing on the hood of a rain jacket.
1. They allow you to make awesome Ob-Wan Kenobi impersonations…”These are not the droids you are looking for.”

National Treasure (Movie Review)

2005-03-18T00:13:00.000-05:00

Nicholas Cage stars in this action/adventure about one family’s search for a spectacular hidden treasure. Cage plays Benjamin Franklin Gates, a man determined to find the treasure his ancestors couldn’t…a treasure that many claim doesn’t even exist. If only they had known there was a map to the treasure on the back of the Declaration of Independence, they could have found it years ago.

Anyway, I have mixed feelings about this movie…and its star. Some parts of the film are downright laughable not to mention flat out ridiculous. But there are also quite a few fun and interesting moments that keep you paying attention. In fact, I even learned a couple of tidbits of information from National Treasure. Trust me…I’m a dork…I went home and looked them up afterwards just to make sure. Same deal with Nicholas Cage…no I didn’t learn anything from him…I’m just not sure what to make of him. Sometimes I really enjoy him onscreen and believe that he is truly a good actor. Other times I am convinced that he is the worst actor on the planet and I wonder how he ever gets any speaking roles. And to think that up until a year ago he was supposed to play Superman in the new movie coming out. Pardon me…HAHAHAHA. It would have been the worst thing to happen to Superman since Kryptonite.

Ok that’s enough. Bottom line, National Treasure is worth checking out on DVD or at your local discount theater…just don’t expect too much from it.

In Good Company (Movie Review)

2005-03-15T00:13:00.000-05:00

This romantic comedy starring Topher Grace, Dennis Quaid and Scarlett Johansson is neither romantic or comedic…but it is pretty good…although I’m not sure why. Quaid plays Dan, a married father who is the head salesman at a sports magazine. Life is good…until the magazine is bought by another company and Dan is demoted. A young whippersnapper with zero magazine experience (Carter…portrayed by Grace) is given Dan’s old job. Carter is very uncomfortable in his new position…not to mention quite lonely since his wife left him. So he latches on to Dan and his family…especially his daughter…played by the lovely Miss Johansson. Can you see where this is going?

I don’t really know how to describe the film. Okay let’s just say it is interesting. It is not funny…I laughed maybe three times. It also is not the love story it is advertised to be (thankfully). In fact, the majority of the movie focuses on the work dynamic between Carter and the much older Dan. We see Carter adjust to being the boss of people twice his age and dealing with the hardships of firing employees. Simply put…it is a nice visualization of what it is like to be young and in charge.

In Good Company is not a fun movie…it is just…nice. Check it out. It will be a good rental in a couple of months.

Coach Carter (Movie Review)

2005-03-09T23:13:00.000-05:00

Samuel L. Jackson stars in this “based on a real-life story” movie about a businessman that returns to his old high school to take over as head coach of the basketball team. The team is troubled…to say the least. The players have to worry more about getting shot on the way to school than getting good grades. Coach Carter decides that he is not just interested in having a winning basketball team…he also wants to prepare his players for life after basketball. He requires his players to attend all their classes, maintain good grades and to function as well-mannered members of society. Problems arise when some of the players do not uphold their end of the deal and Coach Carter cancels basketball games. Some of the great parents of our world think he is crazy and want him fired.

Coach Carter is an inspirational film that is well worth your time… even the basketball games look real. Samuel L. Jackson gives the best performance of his career…other than his portrayal of Mace Windu…of course. I thoroughly enjoyed this movie.

On a side note…Coach Carter is significant because it marks the return of Rob Brown (the guy from Finding Forrester). This guy has been MIA since that movie and it was nice to see him return…in a completely different role of a high school student that plays basketball.

The Aviator (Movie Review)

2005-03-09T22:13:00.000-05:00

Ok, I am way behind with my movie reviews (five of them…to be exact) and it has really been bothering me. So I’ve decided that since these movies have all been out for a really long time…I’m just going to do short little reviews and then move on with my life. That way I can get back to reviewing movies as soon as I see them. Sound good? Great.

First up…The Aviator starring Leonardo DiCaprio, Cate Blanchett and the most excellent girl in all the land…Kate Beckinsale. DiCaprio plays Howard Hughes, a really weird rich guy that comes to Hollywood in the 1920s with dreams of making BIG movies with BIG special effects…especially movies with airplanes. This movie covers Hughes career in Hollywood, his ownership of a huge airline company, his battles with the government and his downfall into a life full of eccentricities and alcohol. I knew absolutely nothing about Howard Hughes before I saw this film. Jack Dawson…I mean Leonardo DiCaprio gives a good performance and is very deserving of his Oscar nomination. Cate Blanchett supposedly is dead-on in her portrayal of Katherine Hepburn (I have no idea) but in my opinion it was the most annoying performance of the year.

The Aviator is a very interesting film, especially if you are interested in the early days of special effects. It is slow at times, but is definitely worth checking out…although I do not think it should have been nominated for Best Picture.

Jesus Is A Stockbroker?

2005-03-08T22:13:00.000-05:00

Today I received an email from Jesus...yes Jesus. There it was, plain as day underneath the Sender heading in my Inbox…very simply… “Jesus”. Of course I was quite curious…what does Jesus want? Did he have something very important to tell me about The Bible? Perhaps he wanted to share a favorite little parable with me? Then I began to think…I haven’t gone to church lately and my prayers have been a little irregular…but am I so hard to reach that Jesus had to resort to email? I mean what’s next…a follow-up phone call? I began to worry that Jesus may be a little mad at me…and nobody wants that.

So I opened the email to see what important message Jesus was trying to get to me. With anxious anticipation I looked at the Subject line and saw…”Timing is everything when buying stocks”.

I mean…what???

All my concerns and worries were about…stock tips? What is going on here? Have parables and miracles been replaced with mutual funds and dividend reinvestment? Who are the Disciples…Charles Schwab and Merrill Lynch? I can see the bumper sticker now, “My Father Is A Jewish Stockbroker”.

Relax…I am just kidding…I don’t really think that Jesus is a stockbroker. But I DO think that Norton AntiSpam is the devil. Hey, I don’t like to point fingers but I’m not the one that labeled an email from “Jesus” as SPAM.

Fun With Bananas

2005-03-01T10:13:00.000-05:00

Yesterday my buddy Dave was eating a banana (insert joke here). I started thinking about how people always say that bananas are really slippery. But what evidence do we really have for this? The only time that I have ever seen someone slip and fall on a banana is on a cartoon. So needless to say, Dave and I decided that we needed to test this theory. We took his banana peel outside and threw it on the ground. I got a head start then proceeded to walk and step on the banana peel. And let me tell you something...it is very slippery. In fact I almost fell both times that I conducted my experiment....as did Dave. Therefore, I have concluded after much research and experimentation that cartoons are correct...banana peels are very slippery.

I have to say that I am very excited about this discovery. I envision weeks and weeks of fun dropping banana peels to watch people slip and fall. Yes...I am easily entertained.

One more thing...do NOT try to pass me on the road when I am driving. I will be carrying banana peels with me at all times and I WILL wreck your ass...Mario Kart style!!

Some thoughts about the Oscars...

2005-02-28T00:13:00.000-05:00

Since at least half of my time on this blog is spent reviewing movies…I thought that I should offer some opinions about what took place tonight at The Academy Awards.

Here goes:

First of all, I think Chris Rock did a great job hosting the show. He was funny and was not afraid to make fun of the “stars”…always a good thing. In fact, my only complaint is that there was not enough Chris Rock. If (former hosts) Billy Crystal and the atrocious Whoopi Goldberg can come out and sing and do a stand-up routine…then Rock should have been allotted at least another 5 minutes to perform. But he did a great job and hopefully will be asked to host again next year.

I am thrilled that Million Dollar Baby won so many awards. It is an awesome movie…far superior to The Aviator and Ray. Morgan Freeman, Hilary Swank and my main man Clint Eastwood did awesome jobs and are richly deserving of the awards they received tonight.

The people that run the show need to make up their minds….do they or do they not want people to give acceptance speeches? I would be happy if they outlawed the speeches altogether, but I doubt that will ever happen. But I felt bad for some of the “less important” winners tonight that only received half the amount of time to talk that Mr. and Mrs. Big Shot movie star received. I mean these people have family and friends to thank too. Personally, I would prefer that they stop televising all the boring awards and just show the important things…this could shorten the show to only an hour in length. And PLEASE, PLEASE get rid of the Lifetime Achievement Award. No one knows who these people are anyway. If they insist on keeping it, at least rename it the “We Think You Might Die Soon and You’ve Never Won Anything Else” award…a more accurate reflection of the award’s purpose.

Sean Penn is an idiot.

And finally, the greatest moment in Academy Awards history happened tonight. It was a moment that will be talked about for decades to come. It occurred when Penelope Cruz and Salma Hayek stood side by side presenting an award. It was a glorious moment in Oscar history that I will not soon forget. In fact…forget Chris Rock…Penelope Cruz and Salma Hayek should co-host the show next year.

Hitch (Movie Review)

2005-02-24T00:13:00.000-05:00

An American Fairytale: Hootie and the Burger King

2005-02-23T01:13:00.000-05:00

Once upon a time there was a band called Hootie and the Blowfish. They had some really big “hit songs” back in the early to mid 90s. Rumor has it that they released some more albums…but I can neither confirm nor deny this story…because I never heard from them again. Well, boys and girls…one day the lead singer Darius Rucker (we shall call him Hootie) suddenly returned…dropping out of the big, blue sky.

Where did he land? Was it on MTV? Was it Live in Concert at Madison Square Garden? Was it in the studio recording his new CD? No boys and girls…Hootie has returned…in a Burger King commercial. That’s right…Hootie the rock star is now Hootie the singing cowboy. I’m not sure exactly what he’s singing about, but it sounds a little like “blah blah blah, where did my career go, blah blah blah, hey look at me I have a guitar, blah blah blah.” I mean he’s not even singing about burgers…I don't think. Anyway...I’m really bored so I’ve decided to write a Burger King song for Hootie to sing.

It is written to the tune of Hootie’s biggest hit, “Hold My Hand”. (feel free to sing along)

Hold My Whopper
Lyrics by Brian
Performed by Hootie and the Blowfish Sandwich

With a little love, and some tenderness
We’ll flame broil this burger
We’ll put it to the test
With a little mayo and some onion too
We’ll add on some lettuce
And a tomato just for you

Cause’ I’ve got a Whopper for you
Cause’ I wanna eat with you

Yesterday, I saw you standing there
Watching me flip the burgers
Way up in the air
I said hello, do you want that King sized
Cause’ I’ve got some fries
And soda set aside

Cause’ I’ve got a Whopper for you
I’ve got a Whopper for you
Cause’ I wanna eat with you
Won’t you let me eat with you
Yeah Hold my Whopper
Want you to hold my Whopper
Hold my Whopper

I’ll take you to a place where you can
Have It Your Way
Each and every day
Because I wanna make you the best burger
The best burger that I can

Constantine (Movie Review)

2005-02-20T22:13:00.000-05:00

**If you have seen this movie or any of the other movies I have reviewed, feel free to post comments regarding your opinions of the film(s). Even if you only say "I liked it" or "it really sucked" I think it would be cool for people to see other opinions. But maybe that's just me.
Anyway, on with the review...

Keanu Reeves and Rachel Weisz star in this film that is based on the Hellblazer comic book. If you like your movies dark and full of religious discussion, then this is the movie for you.

Reeves plays John Constantine, a man who (due to prior events) is destined to spend eternity in Hell. He has the ability to “see” the demons that attempt to influence and infiltrate the daily lives of humans. Thus, he spends his life performing exorcisms and fighting off demons in the hope that each accomplishment brings him closer to Heaven. Apparently, at the beginning of time, God and the Devil made a wager concerning the fate of humans. Neither is allowed to have direct contact with humans…they are only allowed to “influence” us in our daily lives. However, now one of the sides is attempting to break the rules. Constantine discovers this and tries to discover what mysteries lurk behind the changing game plan.

Does all of this sound confusing? Well at times it is. But Constantine is a really cool film that provides a good amount of religious discussion to go along with the action. At times I was wishing that I had paid more attention in Sunday School. Oh yeah…and I was also wishing that I was Catholic, so that I would have a better understanding of some of the things they were referring to. But make no mistake, this is definitely not Passion of the Christ…in fact I’m pretty sure that really religious people will hate this movie. Although, I must say, the haunting images of Hell will put me on my best behavior for at least the next week or so.

Constantine is a very enjoyable movie. It is one of those films that you discuss and analyze during the car ride home from the theater. Check it out

*For the record…Keanu Reeves does NOT say “whoa” in this movie.

The Last Supper

2005-02-16T22:13:00.000-05:00

Today as I was driving I started wondering "if I was on Death Row what would I pick as my final meal?" It's a tough decision. My first inclination would be to have a couple of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. But I would want to make them myself...and I'm pretty sure they wouldn't give me a knife to make them. There are just so many things that go into making this final decision.

First of all you need to decide what your major point of focus is. Are you trying to pick the best final meal possible? OR Are you trying to pick the meal that is best suited for concealing a weapon or tool that can be used for escape? Assuming you're trying to escape..and you really should be trying to...I mean what do you have to lose? I'd much rather get shot while jumping over a wall than die in the electric chair. But anyway...as I was saying...if you are trying to escape you have to pick a meal that can easily hide a weapon/tool. Maybe a Chicago deep dish pizza (hollowed out for our purposes) or a Happy Meal from McDonalds. A Happy Meal isn't complete without the "toy." They will never suspect that your new pink My Little Pony action figure can be easily converted into your ticket to freedom.

However, if you are just looking to have a delicious final meal, I think you have to order something from a restuarant. You need to receive a dependable product. If you just place a generic "BBQ chicken with macaroni and cheese and fries" order, you are just going to get a bunch of slop from the prison cafeteria. And come on...do you really want to be getting your head shaved and taking that final walk with a bad taste in your mouth? I think not. I would want my final few hours spent relishing the fact that "Yes!! I finally ate one of everything on the Taco Bell menu!!."

But perhaps the best strategy of all is to ask your guards what they would like to eat. Tell them that you value their friendship and that you would like to eat your final meal with them. The first ever Death Row Pizza Party. Maybe you will have a connection on the outside that can drug all the pepperoni pizza while you sit in the corner safely consuming your cheese pizza. After they collapse, you make a run for it and drive safely away in your Dominos Pizza delivery (getaway) truck.

What? It might work.

Sam and Liberty: A Love Story

2005-02-14T01:12:00.000-05:00

The past few weeks I have become strangely intrigued by Liberty Tax and their “mascots”. You see, it is tax season and every day I drive by people standing on the side of the road dressed like Uncle Sam and the Statue of Liberty dancing and waving at passing cars. Apparently, Liberty Tax is convinced that this is going to make me want to have them do my taxes. In reality, it makes me really happy that I bought Turbo Tax. But I guess the “mascots” are working…I’ve seen them for quite a few years now and according to the web site there are 1700 different Liberty Tax locations…so they must be doing something right. But I digress…anyway…these people have kept me entertained over the past few weeks so I thought I would share some things that I have learned from watching Uncle Sam and the Statue of Liberty.

1) Uncle Sam appears to have found the Fountain of Youth. Not only is his beard not white, most of the time he doesn’t even sport a beard.
2) Sometimes Uncle Sam is black.
3) On really cold days Uncle Sam and The Statue of Liberty like to wrap scarves around their faces. It’s cool because then they look like bank robbers. I would love to be in a bank being robbed by Uncle Sam. I can see it now, “I WANT YOU…to open the vault” or “I WANT YOU…to lie face down on the floor.” But I’m pretty sure that he would get caught, because even with his face covered by a scarf, I think the red and white striped pants and the big hat would give him away.
4) If you get them wet, they multiply…just like Gremlins. Every time it rains there seems to be at least three of each character standing on the corner shivering.
5) Apparently, when the Statue of Liberty was being restored a few years ago, they added a walkman and headphones.
6) Uncle Sam is a really good breakdancer.
7) Unlike most women, The Statue of Liberty really likes it when you honk at her.
8) That’s not a torch in The Statue of Liberty’s hand…it’s a Taco Bell cup.

Elektra (Movie Review)

2005-02-13T10:13:00.000-05:00

**If you have seen this movie or any of the other movies I have reviewed, feel free to post comments regarding your opinions of the film(s). Even if you only say "I liked it" or "it really sucked" I think it would be cool for people to see other opinions. But maybe that's just me.
Anyway, on with the review...

Elektra starring Jennifer Garner is the first "superhero" movie of 2005. And as much as it pains me to say it...it is also the worst movie I have seen so far this year. The previews for this movie worried me a little...ok a lot...but I went to see it anyway because I like superhero movies and because, well...Jennifer Garner is pretty hot. But as hard as I tried to enjoy this movie...I just couldn't...it's a mess.

The movie is kind of a sequel to Daredevil (a very underrated film). However, there are no mentions of Daredevil and in fact it's almost like they are pretending that the previous movie never took place at all. The concept of the movie is that Elektra has been trained in martial arts and other ninja type things since a very young age. Now she makes her living as a professional assassin. She has been hired to kill a man and his 13 year old daughter. It turns out that there is more to this young girl than meets the eye. But, Elektra just can't go through with the murders and instead ends up protecting the family from others sent to perform the job she couldn't.

There are many problems with this movie but I will focus on the two major issues. The first is the storyline involving the 13 year old girl. One of my pet peeves with movies is annoying child characters/actors...and let me tell you...this girl wins the prize as one of the most annoying characters ever. But the real question is, why is so much of the story focused on the girl instead of Elektra? The second key problem is the bewildering lack of fight scenes. There are few things more entertaining than a hot girl that can kick ass (i.e. Buffy, Trinity, Jessica Biel in the new Blade movie, etc.) so I wonder why the story didn't feature more ninja rumbles. Perhaps I do know...because the couple of fights that did take place were terrible...especially the final "battle".

There is plenty more that I can say but I have wasted enough time on this movie. Elektra was a very disappointing film and I recommend that you wait until it comes to cable to watch it.

Early Retirement

2005-02-08T22:13:00.000-05:00

A few weeks ago in the local paper there was a story about a professional guide dog (we’ll call him “Shadow”) that was retiring. There was even a big ceremony attended by the mayor and other dignitaries (I swear that more than 26 people live in my town…and yes, we have a stoplight…lots of ‘em). It seems that the blind lady that uses him felt that at the age of 9 he had worked long enough and needed to spend the rest of his life having fun with her as a regular ol’ dog. This is a very nice thought, but I have a few questions/problems with this whole thing.

First of all, the article stated that immediately after the ceremony the blind woman flew to Florida to begin several weeks of training with a new guide dog. (“Happy Retirement Shadow!! I’ll see you later; I’m heading south to find a new dog.”) My understanding is that guide dogs are in short supply…but this lady is allowed to voluntarily retire her current dog and then immediately gets a new one? That hardly seems fair.

My biggest concern is the future happiness of Shadow. The blind lady is keeping him as a pet, but I wonder how happy he can possibly be. I admire her decision to retire Shadow so that he can enjoy “being a dog.” But what exactly is he going to do? Is he looking forward to doing a lot of traveling? Is he going to pass the days by lying on the back porch doing crossword puzzles? Perhaps he will take up gardening. Let’s face it…dogs love people. Shadow wants nothing more than to spend time with his owner. How is he going to feel about her new guide dog? I have a feeling that instead of being happy about his reduced workload he is going to feel jealous and sad about being replaced.

On a lighter note, this entire situation could be fun to watch. I can picture it now…two guide dogs fighting over the right to lead the blind woman. One goes left, one goes right. Meanwhile, people that see her will wonder, “Geez…how blind do you have to be to need two guide dogs?

But if she really wanted to have fun the lady should put sunglasses on Shadow so that it looks like the new dog is his seeing-eye dog too. Now that sounds like a fun retirement…a dog with his own guide dog…what a life.

Million Dollar Baby (Movie Review)

2005-02-07T22:13:00.000-05:00

Ok, so finally I’m back posting again…hopefully you noticed I was gone. I plan to post quite often to make up for my absence. I have a bunch of movies to review and several other things I want to comment on. I’ve seen quite a few movies since my last post (surprise, surprise) but I’m going to start with a review of one I saw last week…Million Dollar Baby.

You’ve probably heard that this movie is nominated for tons of awards, including Best Picture. I do not usually like movies that are nominated for Oscars (except Lord of the Rings, of course), but I am happy to say that Million Dollar Baby is richly deserving of it’s nomination for Best Picture. Everything about this movie is amazing…the story, the acting, even the musical score. I found myself captivated by what was happening on screen, completely drawn in by the characters and the story that was unfolding. Clint Eastwood plays Frankie, a boxing trainer that runs a gym with the assistance of Scrap, portrayed by Morgan Freeman. One day Maggie (Hilary Swank) enters his life. She is the product of a trailer trash upbringing and currently makes her living as a waitress in a diner. She dreams of leaving poverty behind by succeeding as a professional boxer. Frankie has no interest in training a girl, but through charm and perseverance Maggie convinces Frankie to train her. I will not reveal what happens in the rest of the film except to say that the first part of the movie feels like a female version of Rocky, but then something occurs that swings the movie in a completely different direction. You feel like you are watching one kind of movie…but then it turns into something else entirely. And it works…very well.

I grew up watching Clint Eastwood play tough guys in Westerns and Dirty Harry, so at times it has been difficult to watch him age…especially when I first saw him with his pants pulled up to his rib cage. But I am astounded at his ability to adapt as he has grown out of his action hero past. Not only does he act in this movie, but he is also the Director and the composer of the musical score. In my opinion, all three major actors in the film should win Academy Awards for their portrayals (if Hilary Swank does not win Best Actress, an immediate investigation should be launched). Million Dollar Baby is a deeply touching movie that pulls you in and keeps you thoroughly captivated as you watch how the story unfolds. I highly recommend that you check it out. You will be seeing filmmaking at its very best.

Experiencing Technical Difficulties

2005-01-31T23:12:00.000-05:00

Ok so my computer at home has been down for about a week and a half...maybe more. But now I am up and running again, so I will hopefully be posting quite a bit in the next few days. So stay tuned.

Meet the Fockers (Movie Review)

2005-01-14T10:45:00.000-05:00

Ben Stiller and Robert De Niro star in this sequel to “Meet the Parents”. This time around, Greg Focker (played by Stiller) and his fiancée Pam Byrnes (played by Teri Polo) take her parents to meet Greg’s family for the first time. The Fockers, portrayed by Dustin Hoffman and Barbara Streisand, are quite different from Pam’s parents. Mrs. Focker teaches “sex improvement” classes to senior citizens and Mr. Focker does weird tae bo stuff in the front yard…when he’s not trying to hump Greg’s mom. Oh yeah…and he openly makes fun of the CIA, which obviously does not go over well with Greg’s future father in law (and former CIA agent). This is pretty much the premise for the entire movie…the uptight Byrnes clan vs. the hippie, free love Fockers…plus a lot of slapstick humor.

The film is not nearly as funny as the first movie. In fact, I was kind of disappointed….but not completely surprised, because I am not a fan of Streisand or Hoffman. There were a few parts that were laugh-out-loud funny, especially scenes involving the Byrnes grandchild, but overall the movie just seemed to drag. All of the elements were there to make it a funny movie, but it just didn’t work. It was almost like the writers and actors were trying too hard. But it has been a huge hit, so I’m sure we can look forward to “Merry Christmas, You Focker” or something like that. In the meantime, I recommend you see a cheap matinee showing of it or just wait for it to come out on DVD.

Emergency Broadcast Sys...Huh?

2005-01-12T12:30:00.000-05:00

The other day I was riding in the car when suddenly the radio started blaring the familiar, loud horns and whistles of the Emergency Broadcast System (EBS). I figured, “great, how many times a day do they have to do this test.” But much to my surprise it was not a test! It was an actual emergency! I do not mean to make light of this entire situation but this was a very exciting time for me…all these years of loud, annoying tests, and now…FINALLY, the big payoff. I finally get to hear the Emergency Broadcast System operate in all of its glory. “Save me Emergency Broadcast System! Save me!”

Yeah, right.

Let me tell you something folks…we are in real trouble. The EBS notification was actually an “Amber Alert”, which basically means a child has been kidnapped and that everyone needs to be on the lookout for the car containing the child. I felt very bad for the kid, because there was NO way that any person hearing the EBS alert could possibly understand what was going on. The message that played after all the loud horns and whistles was the most unclear, unintelligible, garbled bunch of crap you’ve ever heard…and by the way…someone’s life depended on this broadcast. The message was a computerized voice supplying information about the car and girl…I think. I had to hear it three times just to comprehend that the vehicle was from 1995 and green.

The computer sounded like it was probably one of the first five ever manufactured…I mean this thing was rockin’ it 70s style. It also sounded like it was broadcasting from the bottom of a well…low volume with LOTS of static. I mean is this really the best we can do? What if there was a major emergency where hundreds of thousands of people needed to be evacuated? No one would have any idea of what to do.

I can call FedEx 24 hours a day and place a shipping order with an automated system that sounds just like you are speaking to a real, live person…yet, the Emergency Broadcast System…which is designed to save lives by delivering important information to the public, can’t even get an intelligible message across. And by the way…why not just have a real, live human being make the recording and then broadcast it? Or better yet…just tell a couple of people and tell them to “pass it on.” It would still reach people faster than the current Emergency Broadcast System…plus it would be a LOT quieter.

Fat Albert (Movie Review)

2005-01-11T01:23:00.000-05:00

Ok this is one of those movies that I went to see just because I felt like seeing a movie and...well I'd already seen everything else. There are no real stars in it, except for a surprise cameo by a big name star that shall remain nameless, just in case you have not seen the previews. The good thing about this movie is that it is exactly what I expected it would be…but that is also the bad thing about this movie. It is a lighthearted, “feel good” comedy that isn’t really funny, but it is fun to watch, especially if you are a fan of the Fat Albert cartoons created by Bill Cosby. It is kind of cool to see these characters come to life.

The premise of the film is that a teenage girl here in “reality” is in need of help. You see, she is lonely and doesn’t have any friends. So, Fat Albert and the Junkyard Gang jump out of the television set and into her living room. Their mission: help this young lady become popular…because life just isn’t worth living if you’re not popular…right? Well Fat Albert and his chums are used to 1970s cartoon land, not 21st century reality. Therefore, the bulk of the movie consists of the fellas encountering all sorts of people and places (like the mall!!) that are shocking to their cartoon system. All of these situations are mildly entertaining, but not hilarious.

I spent a great deal of this movie with a smile on my face…because it is “just plain fun” to watch. Maybe it was just nice to see a movie without any cursing or violence (although I’m a big fan of both) in it for once. The soundtrack is cool and any movie with a character named “Mushmouth” can’t be all that bad. But am I glad that I spent $8.50 on this movie? No…I’m not. But it’s still worth checking out…once it comes out on DVD.

Ray (Movie Review)

2005-01-10T01:03:00.000-05:00

Jamie Foxx plays R&B/soul legend Ray Charles in this movie about the early years of his career. We follow Charles as he progresses from playing piano in smoky, rundown bars to performing center stage at some of the largest venues in the country. No stone is left unturned as the audience sees Charles’s shortcomings (heroin addiction and philanderer) as well as his strengths (he refused to play in his home state of Georgia due to the segregation of clubs that booked him). We see that he was a savvy businessman in that he requested, and received, the rights to his own music. Through a series of flashbacks the audience is shown the cause of his blindness, the influential strength of his mother and the drowning death of his brother that haunted him his entire life.

This movie is a good biographical depiction of Ray Charles’s life. Jamie Foxx gives an incredible performance that at times makes you feel like you are watching an A & E Biography instead of an actor playing a role. Is this really the same guy from "In Living Color"? At times the movie seems to drag, but the music is really great. If only they had covered the making of that Diet Pepsi commercial he used to be in, then the movie would have been complete. "You got the right one baby, Uh-huh!" Anyway, check it out at your local 2nd run theater or when it comes to DVD.

Major League Baseball Locker Room Story

2005-01-05T01:23:00.000-05:00

Ok...I'm warning you that this story is a little politically incorrect, for those of you that are extra sensitive.

Back in the 80s and early 90s there was a baseball player named Jack Morris. These were the days when women reporters were first being allowed into team locker rooms. Well good ol' Jack was not a fan of this policy at all. One day he let his feelings out on the topic, "The only time I want to talk to a woman when I'm naked is if I'm on top of her or she's on top of me."

Well, at least he's honest.

Ocean's Twelve (Movie Review)

2005-01-03T23:25:00.000-05:00

This sequel to the mega hit Ocean’s Eleven once again stars George Clooney, Brad Pitt, Matt Damon, Don Cheadle, Julia Roberts and the rest of the crew from the previous film. This time Catherine Zeta-Jones has been added to the cast because apparently the producers felt that there was not quite enough star power in the movie to get anyone to come see it.

The general premise of this film is that casino owner Terry Benedict, played by Andy Garcia, is still quite upset that Clooney, Pitt and Co. robbed him of well over $100 million (see Ocean’s Eleven…it covers that stuff). He has tracked down each and every member of the crew and is demanding his money back…plus interest. So now the old gang must reunite for one last heist…to pay back all the money they stole last time. I’d give you a few more plot details, but there really aren’t any more. The real plot of this movie is “sit and watch a bunch of big stars talk to each other and exchange witty (sometimes) remarks.” The big problem with “Ocean’s Twelve” is that there is no payoff. It is a fun movie to watch but there is no excitement, no big buildup towards a big finale. I kept waiting for something big to happen…but it never did. The fun in “Ocean’s Eleven” was that the audience was allowed to see the planning of the heist and then eventually how all of the puzzle pieces fit together. However, in “Ocean’s Twelve”, not only do we not get to see a completed puzzle, we never even get to see what the pieces look like.

Ocean’s Twelve is not a bad movie; in fact at times it is quite enjoyable. It was just disappointing because I was expecting so much more. The promotional tagline for Ocean’s Twelve is “twelve is the new eleven”, unfortunately I would have preferred that it was “twelve is the old eleven.”

Christmas with the Kranks (Movie Review)

2005-01-03T01:07:00.000-05:00

Sorry for the delay with this movie review...I saw it a long time ago...but here goes. Christmas with the Kranks starring Tim Allen and Jamie Lee Curtis is based on John Grisham’s bestselling book “Skipping Christmas.” (which by the way would have been a much better title for this movie)

Allen and Curtis play Mr. and Mrs. Krank, a couple which decides to cancel Christmas when their college-aged daughter decides not to come home for the holidays. The Kranks think that this is the perfect opportunity to take all of the money they usually spend on gifts, decorations and parties and instead take a cruise to an exotic location. Well, their neighbors and friends are not at all pleased with this decision. They use any and all tactics necessary to get the Kranks involved with Christmas…even volunteering to decorate their home for them. But the Kranks remain strong and refuse to get drawn into any Christmas activities whatsoever. Instead, they focus on packing and visiting tanning beds…and hiding out from the neighbors.

However, all their plans change when their daughter changes her mind and decides to come home for Christmas…AND she is bringing her foreign boyfriend with her. She has told him all about her family’s Christmas traditions and can not wait to share them with him…and oh by the way…her plane will be landing in a few short hours. Bye-bye cruise, hello Christmas. The remainder of the film focuses on the Kranks and their neighbors working together to decorate the house and plan a Christmas party for that night.

The first twenty minutes of this movie led me to believe it may be one of the worst Christmas movies of all-time. But it did improve, and actually had some funny parts in it…and of course a few of the required “heartwarming Christmas moments.” Unfortunately, a lot of the comedy was of the “slapstick” variety. There is good slapstick, and there is bad slapstick…and trust me this movie had bad slapstick. Part of the problem is that they tried to make a funny movie out of a book that wasn’t that funny in the first place. It is not a horrible movie but you should probably just wait until it comes out on DVD or cable to see it…which you will probably have to do anyway since my review is so late.

Holiday Crime Scenes

2005-01-01T18:48:00.000-05:00

There are two interesting things about all of these inflatable snowmen and Santa Clauses that are in thousands of front yards this holiday season. 1)It is a top indicator that the household is a voting member of White Trash America (WTA) 2) When the compressors are turned off and the holiday icons are deflated, it resembles a Holiday murder scene. I feel like I'm seeing hundreds of dead snowmen and Santas as I drive around town. I'm half expecting to see chalk outlines surrounding them and yards roped off with bright red and green "crime scene" tape.

I think all of these people could be on to something...maybe the next C.S.I show can be called C.S.I. North Pole. Think all of the possibilities with mischievous elves constructing murder weapons in Santa's Toy Shop, reindeer games gone awry and the well publicized jealous rages of a lady known as "Mrs. Claus." Think about it...it could be quite interesting.

Happy New Year

An Official Announcement

2004-12-19T23:11:00.000-05:00

I am officially announcing my retirement from being nice to people I do not know. Specifically, I will no longer hold doors for strangers or allow unfamiliar cars to get in front of me in traffic. Why, you ask? Because no one EVER says thank you. I mean how hard is this?

When I take an extra 5 seconds out of my life to hold a door for someone, you would think they could at least say, "thanks." But nooooooooo.

When someone is trying to change lanes and they can't get over...and I am nice enough let them in, you would think they could at least give a wave of thanks? But nooooooooo.

The situation has only become worse during the holidays. In fact the other day I let a door close in some lady's face because she wasn't nice. I was walking through a set of double doors into a store. At the first set of doors I held a door open for a woman that was approaching behind me. She didn't acknowledge my effort so at the next door I just opened it wide enough for me to walk through and let it close on her. Did I feel bad about this? Nope...not at all.

I wish everyone could just be friendly and appreciative...but obviously they can't, so I am forced to announce my retirement. Merry Christmas.

All i wanna do is to thank you
Even though i dont know who you are
You let me change lanes
While i was driving in my car
-Geggy Tah

Blade: Trinity (Movie Review)

2004-12-12T23:19:00.000-05:00

Wesley Snipes returns as Blade, the vampire killer extraordinaire. But this time he is not alone. He is joined by “The Nightstalkers”, another group of vampire hunters comprised of Abigail (Jessica Biel) and Hannibal (Ryan Reynolds).

This time around, Blade and company take on the ultimate vampire…Dracula. But this is not the typical Transylvanian with a cape, that occasionally moonlights as a bat. Oh no, this Dracula dude is seemingly indestructible. He is the original vampire…born perfect and now he is hunting Blade. Dracula has a human form, but he also has a “monster” side that very closely resembles “The Predator” from the Arnold Schwarzenegger movie of the same name. The plot is pretty obvious…Blade and his friends kick ass. Then something bad happens…requiring even more ass kicking. And honestly, it works. It is an extremely fun movie to watch.

Jessica Biel, the hottest vampire slayer in town (yes, even hotter than Buffy…maybe) has come a long way from Seventh Heaven. Few things in movies are more entertaining than watching girls kick ass. Ryan Reynolds, better known as Van Wilder, is very funny in this film…sometimes too funny. Everything he says is hilarious, but occasionally the humor goes overboard and you find yourself longing for a return to the action. But the real star of this movie is Snipes. He once again pulls off the Blade character with a good mixture of toughness and subtle humor.

Blade: Trinity is at least the second best in the series…maybe the best. The superb fight scenes along with the occasional inputs of humor make this a highly enjoyable movie going experience. Check it out.

Frosty Who?

2004-12-06T23:02:00.000-05:00

I got so annoyed this past week with CBS's constant promotion of Frosty the Snowman. It wasn't so much what they were promoting, as it was how they were promoting it. The commercials repeatedly stated, "tune in (tonight, later this week, etc.) for everyone's favorite snowman...Frosty!" Hold on a second...everyone's favorite snowman? When was that election held? He's certainly not my favorite snowman. Just because he is the only snowman that officially has a name doesn't mean that he is universally liked. I mean...I can think of at least 20 snowmen that I built between the ages of 4 and 12 that I like infinitely more than this Frosty guy.

In fact, my favorite part of the whole show is when Frosty melts. What kind of snowman gets all cocky and starts gallivanting around town (with a stolen broomstick in his hand)? With an attitude like that he deserved to melt. He should have just stayed in the snow where he belonged. But you just can't tell that guy anything...he doesn't want to listen. His name says it all...Frosty: [adj] devoid of warmth and cordiality; expressive of unfriendliness or disdain; "a frigid greeting"; "got a frosty reception"; And what kind of role model is Frosty for the children of the world? He "led them down the streets of town"...not exactly a safe activity. Worst of all Frosty is a smoker. Do we really want kids inhaling second hand smoke from the corncob pipe of some reckless snowman? I think not.

I did not elect Frosty as my favorite snowman. He is not my snowman. We need to find a new snowman to represent the common good. But until that time comes...I am moving to Canada! Who is with me?

After the Sunset (Movie Review)

2004-12-05T21:49:00.000-05:00

Stars: Salma Hayek
Director: guy who tells Salma Hayek what to do
Plot: Salma Hayek does stuff
Musical Score: soundtrack for Salma Hayek to move around to

Okay, there are a few other aspects to “After the Sunset” other than Salma Hayek. The movie also stars Pierce Brosnan (who unfortunately recently announced that he will no longer play James Bond), Woody Harrelson and the always entertaining Don Cheadle. Hayek and Brosnan portray jewel thieves that have supposedly retired and moved to the Bahamas. Harrelson is the F.B.I. agent that has been pursuing them for years, with no success.

A cruise ship carrying the last remaining “Napoleon” diamond (Hayek and Brosnan have already stolen the other two), is headed to the Bahamas. So, of course Harrelson suspects that the two have not really retired, but simply relocated to the Bahamas in order to swipe the remaining diamond. Now he trails them to the Caribbean in hopes of finally apprehending them and bringing them to justice. The majority of the film consists of the thieving duo and the F.B.I. agent trying to one-up each other…the bandits proving that they are untouchable, while the agent attempts to show that he is always watching. The scenes with Brosnan and Harrelson interacting are particularly funny. Hayek’s main responsibility is to wear as few clothes as possible, while trying to convince Brosnan to stay retired and not steal the diamond. There are quite a few scenes in which the camera stays focused on Salma’s butt for long periods of time…and I appreciate it. In fact, I believe that “After the Sunset” should be nominated for an Academy Award for Best Cinematography.

“After the Sunset” is not the best movie ever made and the plot is occasionally unbelievable. But, it is a very fun and entertaining “heist” film. Although, there was a very disturbing five minute period in which Pierce Brosnan appeared to be taken over by the spirit of Hugh Grant (the reigning King of the chick-flicks). However, Bond…I mean Brosnan quickly returned, and all was right with the world again. “After the Sunset” is one of those movies that takes you away for a couple of hours and helps you escape from your everyday life. I highly recommend you check it out.

A Fast Food Christmas Story

2004-12-01T22:16:00.000-05:00

Ok, so today I'm standing in line at KFC minding my own business. I happen to notice an older man (a customer) standing by the trash can, about 10 feet away from me. But this is no ordinary man...he's insane. You see...he has a long greyish white beard and is wearing a Santa hat. Not too crazy you say? Well, about 30 seconds after I arrive a couple of people squeeze past this guy to leave the restaurant. Well, as they walk by I all of a sudden hear his deep, loud voice say, "Ho! Ho! Ho! Merrrrry Christmas!" I mean...what is going on here? Stupid ol' me thought Santa Claus was at the North Pole...or the mall. Nope...apparently he hangs out at KFC. Hey kids...forget the milk and cookies...all Santa wants is a bucket of Original Recipe chicken. For all I know Colonel Sanders and Santa Claus are the same person. They both have white hair, a beard and glasses. Hmmmmmmm.

Anyway, my point...and I do have one... is that just because you have a white beard and a Santa hat, it doesn't mean you have the right to go around bellowing out "Ho! Ho! Ho! Merry Christmas!" I mean...can every fat, black guy wearing a red shirt walk around saying "Hey Hey Hey...its Fat Albert!?"

There is more to Santa than just a beard and a hat. The rest of the KFC guy's outfit consisted of jeans, tennis shoes and a flannel shirt. Not exactly the wardrobe of choice for someone piloting a sleigh guided by flying reindeer. I don't think it would have bothered me nearly as much if the guy had said, "Ha, ha, ha...Merry Christmas" or "Ho! Ho! Ho! Have a nice day." It's the fact that he combined the Ho Ho Ho's and the Merry Christmas. By the way...isn't it way too early to be wishing people a Merry Christmas? I mean it's still 24 days away! Can I wish people a Happy Thanksgiving on November 1st? How about a Happy Fourth of July on June 9th? I think people should have to wait until at least 2 weeks before Christmas to start wishing that it's merry.

Anyway, I just needed to get that out. I feel much better. But if I walk into Taco Bell tomorrow and see the Easter Bunny planning his annual Easter Burrito hunt...I'll be back.

The Incredibles (Movie Review)

2004-11-30T23:15:00.000-05:00

The latest offering from Pixar/Disney continues their streak of films that are entertaining for people of all ages. The Incredibles is not in the same league with the Toy Story movies (what is?), but it still makes for a fun day at the local movie joint.

The Incredibles are a family with "special powers." Mr. Incredible (the dad) and Helen a.k.a Elastigirl (the mom) used to be superheroes back in the day, before a series of lawsuits brought about the outlawing of super heroics. So now, poor Mr. and Helen are forced to drag themselves through long, boring days like the rest of us...ahem, I mean the rest of you...that do not have super powers. Mr. grows to be frustrated and distracted (not to mention...fat) by all of this inactivity. He longs for those days of yesteryear, when he was an idol and hero to the world. He hangs out with his buddy Frozone, voiced by Samuel L. Jackson, as they spend their nights talking about the good ol' days while listening to the police scanner for any chance to secretly help people in need. One day, an opportunity arises that Mr. just can't refuse...the possibility of being incredible once again.

And kids, that is where our adventure truly begins. You see...Mr. "not so" Incredible goes and gets himself into some trouble and needs to be rescued by the wife and kids. So Helen (with super stretching abilities), daughter Violet (she can turn invisible and has a force field) and son Dash (you guessed it...he runs REALLY fast) set off to save poor ol' Pa from the villains of the world. I will not ruin the remainder of the story, but rest assured, there is plenty of action, adventure and humor to keep you thoroughly entertained. If you like animated movies, I definitely recommend you check this one out.

On a final note I have a couple of additional observations: 1) Helen/Elastigirl is played by Holly Hunter who has one of the all-time most annoying voices. I'm not sure who thought using her was a good idea...because it wasn't. 2) Frozone, as voiced by Mace Windu, is freakin' hilarious. In fact, he deserves his own movie.

Saw (Movie Review)

2004-11-28T00:20:00.000-05:00

Saw is an interesting and quite entertaining horror flick...if you can get past all of the bad acting. The movie stars Cary Elwes and Leigh Whannell (who?) as two guys that awaken to find themselves chained up on opposite sides of a basement. They have no idea of how they got there, let alone who put them is this situation. Lying in the middle of the room is a dead man holding a gun. Dr. Gordon, played by Elwes, has an audio cassette that informs him that he must kill Adam (played by Whannell) within eight hours or both of them will be killed, as will Dr. Gordon's wife and daughter.

I do not want to give away too much, but over the course of the film we learn that the murderer is known as the "Jigsaw" killer. Danny Glover (apparently Lethal Weapon 5 is not ready) plays the cop investigating Jigsaw. We learn plenty about Jigsaw's style through a series of flashbacks that show his previous murders. All of his killings revolve around choices. The victims can save themselves IF they are willing to sacrifice a variety of things. The potential victims in the basement are no different. Do not forget the title of the movie. The victims are chained up by their ankles, they need to escape, they have access to an old rusty saw...you do the math.

There are plenty of twists and turns throughout the film to keep you interested. Everyone is a suspect and I guarantee you will be surprised at who is actually the killer. The only problem with the movie is the horrible acting, particularly by Elwes. It is so bad that at some points it is distracting. There is a scene that contains what is supposed to be a very dramatic moment. However, Elwes botches it so badly that the entire audience broke out in laughter...not quite what the director was looking for, I'm sure.

Despite the acting flaws I think this movie is definitely worth checking out. I'm not surprised by much in movies anymore but this film contained a few things that I wasn't expecting. And if you are trying to decide between Saw and The Grudge...choose Saw...you will be glad you did.

I'm So Funny

2004-11-23T00:16:00.001-05:00

From a conversation the other day:
(some of the names have been changed to protect the guilty)

Barry: Do you know anything about GMU?
Dave: Not really, but Tiffany went to GMU and was a history major.
Jenna: I love history.
Barry: I hate history. There's just too much information.
Brian: That's why they call it "history." If there wasn't much information they would just call it "yesterday."

The Grudge (Movie Review)

2004-11-09T22:30:00.000-05:00

Sarah Michelle Gellar (from this point forward she shall be referred to as “Buffy”) stars in this remake of a Japanese horror film. The Grudge refers to a curse that takes place whenever a person dies in the middle of a powerful rage. It takes quite a while to figure out who exactly died in this ultimate rage…but lets face it…it doesn’t really matter. All that matters is Buffy. Just kidding (kinda)…this movie basically boils down to a good old fashioned haunted house. Things aren’t always what they seem, people jump out at you, there is lots of screaming and of course the lights are always out. The only thing missing is an old portrait with moving eyeballs.

The plot doesn’t make a lot of sense, but once again, who cares? It is a fun movie that is decently scary (now that is a ringing endorsement) and has the distinction of featuring the creepiest little Asian boy in movie history. I’m not kidding; this kid is by far the scariest thing in the entire movie. He is everywhere, around every corner, in every building… he meows like a cat (getting its tail stepped on) and oh by the way, he likes to kill people. Good thing Buffy knows how to kick some little Asian boy ass!

Check out this movie, it’s not the best horror movie ever made, but it’s also not a bad way to spend an hour and a half. Did I mention that Buffy is in it?

Attention Dumbasses

2004-11-02T18:21:00.000-05:00

I am so tired of hearing/seeing people complain about how the election is "rigged" or that there is some "conspiracy" out there. All of this comes because some people are pissed that the lines are long or they just can't figure out how to vote. Men and women of America, if you cannot figure out how to cast your ballot, it is a sign...a sign that you were not meant to vote...a sign that you are a total nimrod.

I mean how hard is this? How hard is it to slide a piece of paper into a slot? How hard is it to punch a hole? How hard is it to punch the hole directly across from the candidate of your choice? Apparently it is VERY hard...if you listen to some of these boneheads. How do some of these people make it through life? (I know Ryan...some of them don't) It must be a freakin' miracle that they can feed themselves and find their way to work each day.

But as usual, it is much easier to blame everyone else for their stupidity. Attention: stop blaming Bush for the "conspiracy" and stop blaming Kerry for the "rigging." The true mastermind behind this "Great Conspiracy" is God...because He is the one that made you a complete and total dumbass.

Friday Night Lights (Movie Review)

2004-10-27T01:15:00.000-04:00

Based on a true story, Friday Night Lights follows the trials and tribulations of a Texas high school football team in 1988. As we have learned in several movies, most notably "Varsity Blues," the good folks of Texas are down right crazy about their football. Our insider's view is taken to a new level as we see the pressures placed on teenage boys by their coaches, families and the entire town. To these adults, winning...at any cost...is the only thing that matters. Billy Bob Thornton is quite believable as the head coach. I'm not a big fan of Billy Bob--in fact I almost didn't go see this movie because he was in it...but I'm glad I did because this is one of the best "sports" movies in recent years.

I will hesitate to say that this is the "most realistic" football movie ever made...for one simple reason...I never played high school football. It cracks me up to watch all of these movie critics who have spent their lives passing the buffet line, not a football, talk about "how realistic" this movie is.

However, this movie definitely succeeds in making you feel like you are on the sidelines watching the game. The tackles and hard-hitting action along with all the coaching strategy and trash talking are captivating to observe. There are several players that are focused on throughout the movie, but their individual stories are not nearly as interesting as the emphasis on "the team" and how the "the team" pulls together to accomplish their goals in the face of all the pressure and adversity.

If you are a fan of sports movies I highly recommend that you check this movie out. You will find yourself completely engrossed from beginning to end. But would it have killed them to throw in a whipped cream bikini?

Counting Sheep

2004-10-26T01:44:00.000-04:00

Last night I was having trouble getting to sleep, so out of desperation I closed my eyes and tried "counting sheep." I don't think I've ever tried this technique before in my life...and now I know why. My first problem...why sheep? Why not count dogs or alligators...or Supermodels? Yeah, I could get used to that, there goes Claudia Schiffer (that's 1) there goes Gisele (that's 2), there goes Adriana Lima (that's 3)...etc...etc.

Anyway, back to this whole sheep thing. When I think about counting sheep, I think about all the cartoons I've seen over the years that have the characters "counting sheep" as they try to fall asleep. In cartoons, the sheep are always hopping over a fence as they are being counted. Is this a common activity for sheep? Where are these sheep going? When someone is behaving sheepishly are they jumping back and forth over fences?

As I was trying to fall asleep I found myself getting increasingly stressed out by all these sheep jumping the fence. I could not just simply lay there and count them as they escaped. I kept wanting to stop counting and find someone to go get all the sheep back. But maybe I'm just weird that way. Not to mention that for the life of me I couldn't visualize a real sheep...all I could see in my head was cartoon sheep. In fact, at one point I was visualizing a giant cartoon rooster laying in the grass counting cartoon sheep as he tried to fall asleep.

Needless to say, I gave up on counting sheep and turned on the TV instead. So my advice is that unless you are a shepherd, don't try counting sheep to fall asleep...it doesn't work. Although, if you are a shepherd, don't do it either because it is your job to count sheep when you are awake and I can't condone sleeping on the job.

Hold Your Applause

2004-10-19T00:17:00.000-04:00

I went to the movies the other day (big surprise) and I saw Friday Night Lights. The review will be posted soon, but I have another issue to discuss first. For the 2nd time in about a month and a half, people were clapping and cheering during a movie. This practice has always annoyed and bewildered me. Who are they clapping for? Who do they think is going to hear them clapping? (besides the annoyed people sitting nearby). Unless we are at a test screening of a movie and the director, producer and stars of the movie are sitting in the back of the theater...there really isn't a need to clap. I have yet to attend a sports movie that had its outcome affected by the amount of cheering coming from the 17th row of the balcony. I mean, do these people think they are watching a live show? A play with REALLY cool special effects?

I am glad that these people are so affected by the movie they are viewing (actually...no I'm not...that is why I am posting this), but please keep it inside. There is no purpose for your applause except to express your own joy at what you are watching. So when I hear you clap, what I'm hearing you say is "I am so happy, I like to smile, I am so happy, I think he's going to score a touchdown, I am so happy." And that crap just makes me sick... so please people...get a grip.

On a side note, I think this clapping problem can easily be addressed by theater owners. Simply hook "The Clapper" (clap on, clap off) up to the movie projector. Whenever some jackass starts clapping during the movie, the projector will automatically turn off. This will inevitably start a riot which will result in the beating of Mr. Cheer in the 17th row. Problem solved.

Ladder 49 (Movie Review)

2004-10-16T01:45:00.000-04:00

I was hesitant to see this movie for two reasons: 1)Even though I enjoyed Backdraft, I wasn't really interested in seeing Backdraft Part II 2) John Travolta sometimes makes movies that really, really suck. But I am happy to say that Ladder 49 was quite a good movie. The film stars Joaquin Phoenix as firefighter Jack Morrison. In the opening scene of the movie he becomes trapped in a burning building. As he waits to be rescued, he flashes back over his career and life as a Baltimore firefighter. We see Jack during his first days on the job as a single, nervous rookie that is almost reckless in his attempt to prove himself. As we follow his development as a firefighter, we see him change and mature as he becomes a father and husband...and he wonders whether his job is worth the risk of loss to his family. He realizes that it's not just about him anymore. The constant battle throughout the film is loyalty and responsibility to his "brothers" versus the loyalty and responsibility to his wife and kids.

The special effects are awesome but what really makes the movie shine is the relationship between all of the firemen at the station. We get to see how close they become to each other...out of necessity for their safety, but mainly because they form a bond of trust, earned as they risk their lives side by side. In the truest sense of the word, they are a family.

Travolta gives a quality performance as Captain Mike Kennedy. He doesn't overact like he seems to do in so many of his other movies. Phoenix gets more and more likeable with every role. He used to bother me, but now I actually look forward to seeing movies with him in it. Ladder 49 is a good film that will keep you engrossed the entire 2 hours. I recommend that you go see it.

Shaun of the Dead (Movie Review)

2004-10-15T21:23:00.000-04:00

Like several of my friends, I was very skeptical of this movie. In fact, I had absolutely no plans of going to see it. Man am I glad that I changed my mind. It is one of the funniest movies I have seen this year.

This movie is quite obviously a spoof of zombie films, Dawn of the Dead in particular. The story revolves around Shaun, a regular, boring kind of guy who spends most of his time playing video games, hanging out with his friend Ed, drinking beer at a pub called "The Winchester" and disappointing his girlfriend Liz. One day, people all of a sudden begin to turn into zombies. However, Shaun and Ed are too busy getting drunk at "The Winchester" to notice. Even the next morning, Shaun walks his normal route to the conveience store and is totally oblivious to what is happening around him. When Shaun and Ed finally notice their first zombie (in the backyard) they are convinced that the girl is just really drunk...until she tries to rip Shaun's throat out. How does Ed respond to such a brutal attempt on his friend's life? Well, he runs inside to get a camera to take a picture of the entire event. This is just an example of the type of hijinks that occur throughout the movie.

After realizing that the world is under attack by zombies, Shaun and Ed develop a plan to save Shaun's mom and girlfriend...and the adventure begins. At some point, Shaun and Ed decide that the safest place for them to hide is at "The Winchester," because nothing takes the sting off a zombie invasion quite like an ice cold pint of beer...and peanuts. Shaun and the gang find a variety of ways to avoid their enemies, including a hilarious scene in which they act like zombies to fit in and escape.

Shaun of the Dead is a comedy with plenty of horror mixed in for the ride. The gore is kind of cartoonish but it works. If you like zombie movies or just horror movies in general, I highly recommend that you check this movie out...I've already seen it twice.

Turtle On The Run

2004-10-15T17:56:00.000-04:00

I own two turtles, Luigi and Smalls. For the past couple of years they have been living in a typical 20 gallon aquarium. During their time in the tank Luigi has made several daring attempts to escape. And when I say daring...I mean stupid. You see turtles are not too bright. All of these attempted escapes consisted of Luigi pulling himself over the wall of the tank...only to fall 4 feet to the ground. Then I would spend 15 minutes looking for him, only to find him cowering in his shell under the turtle stand. Not exactly a great escape plan. If I were Smalls, I would be pissed that Luigi keeps leaving me behind but I would really enjoy making fun of him when he inevitably gets returned to the tank.

So anyway, they have gotten way too big for their 20 gallon tank, so this summer I installed a pond for them in my backyard. Knowing Luigi's history I tried to make it the turtle version of Alcatraz. And as usually happens in prison breaks everything was going fine until the guards (me) made a crucial error. The pond water was a little low so I turned on the hose and started adding water while I ate my breakfast. Then I went to work...forgetting to turn off the hose. I can just visualize Luigi's eyes lighting up at this turn of events.

I didn't even realize that I had left the hose on until one of my housemates called around 4:00pm. By this time the hose had been running for about 7 hours. The reason my friend was calling was to tell me that one of my turtles, Luigi of course, was currently chillin' in my backyard swimming pool! I mean this had to be the most excited turtle in the world. All his years of planning escapes had finally paid off. Rest assured he was returned to his pond, but I'm sure I will never be able to keep him in there. He knows there is a much bigger "pond" only 10 feet away. But I will get my revenge. At some point he will escape only to find that his mystical turtle tank now has a pool cover on it...and I will get the last laugh.

The Forgotten (Movie Review)

2004-10-13T01:24:00.000-04:00

I really hate to waste any more time on this movie than I already have...but I have a duty to report what I have seen, so that you will not lose 1 hour and 31 minutes out of your lives by going to see "The Forgotten."

Julianne Moore plays Telly, a mom whose child died a year ago in a plane crash. Over a period of days (or weeks...but who cares), strange things begin to happen (oooooooooh). All of a sudden her kid's body disappears from a family picture, his toys begin to vanish and her husband (Anthony Edwards from ER proves he is not dead) and friends "forget" that the child ever existed. Telly's psychiatrist, played by Gary Sinise, tells her that she's had a breakthrough...she dreamed up the whole having a child thing...and now she is on the road to recovery. Well, our heroine Telly does not believe this for one second, so she sets off to find the truth. Along the way she finds a former hockey player who has forgotten that his daughter ever existed. She reminds him that he used to have a child and together they set off to solve this mystery.

Are you confused yet? Yeah, me too.

Are you bored yet? Yeah, well try sitting in the movie theater while all this crap is going on!

Anyway, a whole bunch of other weird stuff happens (I'll spare you the details). But my tip for the day is, "if you do not like stories involving aliens, do not go see this movie." My 2nd tip of the day is, "if you love stories involving aliens, do not go see this movie."

Bottom line, I wish I could forget that I saw this movie. I wish that I could have that 1 hour & 31 minutes of my life back. I wish Anthony Edwards had never left ER. I wish Goose hadn't died in Top Gun. I wish that Nicole Kidman and Renee Zellweger would stop making movies. I wish that Lynnhaven AMC would start carrying peanut butter M & M's again.

But I digress, every single episode of X-Files that was ever made is 1000 times better than this movie. Save yourself, your time and your money...do not go see it.

Where have you gone Harrison Ford?

2004-09-21T17:54:00.000-04:00

The Star Wars Trilogy is being released on DVD this week and has been getting quite a bit of publicity. Some of the press has included interviews with several of the stars, including a Mr. Harrison Ford. Watching interviews with him has reminded me of how disappointed I am in what has become of him.

When I was a kid he was the guy that every boy wanted to be. He was Han Solo and Indiana Jones...which made him more god-like than any other person on the planet. As time went on, he was still the biggest hero in movies as he starred in such films as Patriot Games, Clear and Present Danger, The Fugitive and Air Force One. If Harrison Ford was in a movie you knew it was going to be great. But then a not so funny thing happened...he started making movies that really sucked.

His downfall officially started with a movie called "Random Hearts." I will go on record to say that it may be one of the worst/most pointless movies of all time. Still, I was willing to give him another chance...I mean he is (was) Harrison Ford. But then the bottom completely dropped out. He made forgettable movies such as K-19 and Hollywood Homicide. Then to top it off...at age 60, he got his ear pierced and became a complete joke. Perhaps he should take lessons from Clint Eastwood, or even Sean Connery, who is bald and in his 70s, yet still manages to pull off being cool and heroic.

What happened Harrison? What happened? Its not too late...put away the earring, stop making goofy comedies and love stories...make another Indiana Jones movie. We know (hope) you have it in you. Be the guy we all worshiped not the guy we point at and laugh.

I decided to write a song about Harrison Ford. You should sing it to yourself (preferably really loud) using the music from Simon & Garfunkel's "Mrs. Robinson."

Here’s to you Mr. Harrison
Yoda loves you more than you will know (whoa, woa, woa)
God will you please Mr. Harrison
Stop making movies that are really gay (hey, hey, hey…hey, hey, hey)

I don’t know what happened
You used to be so cool
But now with that fruity earring
You look like such a fool

Here’s to you Mr. Harrison
Yoda loves you more than you will know (whoa, woa, woa)
God will you please Mr. Harrison
Stop making movies that are really gay (hey, hey, hey…hey, hey, hey)

You were the adventurer Indiana Jones
Whose next movie could not come too soon
A hero to all of us and for all times
But now your career is a Temple of Doom

Coo, coo, ca-choo Mr. Harrison
Yoda loves you more than you will know (whoa, woa, woa)
God will you please Mr. Harrison
Stop making movies that are really gay (hey, hey, hey…hey, hey, hey)

As a Fugitive we prayed for you to save the day
The one-armed man didn’t do it
You are the one that screwed it
All up and threw your career away (hey, hey, hey)

Where have you gone, Han Solo
A galaxy turns its lonely eyes to you (woo, woo, woo)
What’s that you say, Mr. Harrison
The scoundrel has packed up his wookie and gone away (hey, hey, hey…hey, hey, hey)

Mr. 3000 (Movie Review)

2004-09-19T02:21:00.000-04:00

Bernie Mac plays Stan, a self-absorbed, retired baseball player. There are some other people in the movie...but they don't really count.

Anyway, in his younger days Stan got his 3,000th career hit and abruptly retired...in the middle of the season. Now he calls himself "Mr. 3000" and owns several bars and stores, all of which are named "3000 Beers", "3000 Haircuts", etc. As you can see, having 3000 hits is very important to Stan. His dream is to be elected to the Baseball Hall of Fame. However, Stan was so hated by the media during his playing days that he has yet to receive enough votes for election. It is then revealed (exciting plot twist ahead!) that he actually only has 2,997 career hits! So, obviously Stan comes out of retirement (at age 47) to try to get 3 more hits and restore his nickname and pride. I mean a guy can't go through life being called Mr. 2997 can he? Along the way he learns valuable life lessons (such as "Stan, listen to the sausage") and teaches his younger teammates a few things about baseball and the "game of life."

This movie is supposed to be a comedy but I only remember laughing a couple of times. I was too distracted by the "ballplayers" who looked like they may never have played any sport, at any time in their past. These actors were definitely the last ones picked for teams in P.E. I do not recommend that you see this movie, especially if you are a huge baseball fan (like me). It is mildly entertaining but you should just wait until it comes to your local video store (probably pretty soon).

My Favorite Reality Shows

2004-09-16T18:14:00.000-04:00

Three significant things happened in my life last week:
1) Absolutely nothing 2) Ryan posted about "The Surreal Life" 3) I watched a lot of Reality TV. So since I have nothing better to do (and because people are complaining about my lack of posts), I have decided to list my 10 favorite reality TV shows. Here goes:
10) The Simple Life
Two words: Paris Hilton
9) The Restaurant
I've only seen a few episodes of this show but it was fun to watch. See Rocco get fat, see Rocco fire the chef and name himself chef, see Rocco flip-out and start making pizzas for everyone (in a fine dining establishment). Oh yeah...and the restaurant repeatedly catches on fire.
8) Road Rules VS. Real World Challenge
You get to watch all the annoying former cast members of Real World & Road Rules (none of which have real jobs...still) cry, bitch, moan, hook-up, cry, argue, fight, cry while performing stunts and playing games in some exotic location.
7) ESPN Dream Job
Contestants put their sports knowledge and on-camera abilities to the test as they compete for a job as an ESPN Sportscenter anchor. Sometimes I'm a dork...deal with it.
6) American Idol
The best part of this show BY FAR is the auditions...the bad ones. Simon Cowell is hilarious as he makes fun of people and basically ruins their lives. Once the show becomes serious (only good performers remain) it is not nearly as much fun to watch. By the way...does anyone try harder than Randy Jackson to be cool? Dawg!
5) Newlyweds
Yeah, Jessica Simpson is pretty hot, but the biggest surprise is how "normal" Nick Lachey is. I could watch this show all day long...but I'm not sure why...its just funny.
4) The Amazing Race
If I had seen more than 6 episodes I have a feeling this might be my favorite reality show. You should really check it out. At least 2-3 different countries are visited in every episode, you get to hear boyfriends and girlfriends tell each other to shut the f*** up and this year there was even a midget! Its basically a real life board game that takes place all over the world. Great Stuff.
3) Fear Factor
I never, ever miss this show. The closer the contestants come to puking, the happier I am. Some of the stunts are really cool too. Although, sometimes I get the feeling that some of the contestants have never seen the show before. "Water?!? I'm afraid of water...I can't swim!" or "That is so gross!! I hate bugs!." Uh hello, that's what this show is all about, thanks for paying attention.
2) The Apprentice
I love this show but it scares me that some of these people actually run companies when they are not on "The Apprentice." There are interesting goals/tasks every week and there are plenty of people available to hate (which always makes for good TV).
1) Survivor
Definitely the best reality show. Every episode is interesting and there are plenty of people to root for and against. Every year I swear I will never watch it again because I get sooo mad at how stupid (and gullible) some of the people on the show are. But every season I'm right back watching again.

**Sorry Ryan, but once Brigitte Nielson and Flavor Flav hooked up I was so sickened that I could barely open my eyes again, let alone watch "The Surreal Life."

I, Robot (Movie Review)

2004-09-08T02:22:00.000-04:00

I go to the movies quite often, so I figure I will post my reviews of movies that I see. Tonight I saw "I, Robot" at Cinema Cafe. It stars Will Smith and Bridget Moynahan (I spent the whole movie trying to figure out what other movie I had seen her in...the answer is "The Recruit"). The movie was pretty entertaining. It takes place in the future (oooooh) in the year 2035. It has the standard sci-fi plot of robots/machines gaining intelligence and attempting to take over the world. As a human, I really appreciate people like Arnold Schwarzenegger, Keanu Reeves and Will Smith taking time out to save the human race. In the real world, Arnold would definitely be my pick to save mankind. I just don't think The Fresh Prince is up to the challenge of preserving the human race...especially since he will become demoralized after DJ Jazzy Jeff is inevitably killed during the first 30 seconds of the robot attacks.

Anyway, the movie has lots of action and cool special effects. The robots are especially fun to watch. There is a great amount of dialogue, scenery and ideas stolen from other movies. But at least they "borrowed" from good movies...so it works. I recommend you see the movie, although I am glad I waited to see it at Cinema Cafe rather than pay $8.50 at the regular movie theater. I will try to come up with some cool way of recommending (or not) the films I review...i.e. "thumbs up." Let me know if you have any ideas.

One final question: In the "future" why do all of the buildings look brand new (and white)? In the future do we tear down buildings and rebuild them again every couple of years to take advantage of cool, new elevators and doors? I just kinda figured that in the future (2035) we would have a bunch of really old buildings, not new shiny ones.

Welcome to my world

2004-09-07T19:38:00.000-04:00

This is my first post. I'm still learning how to do everything, so just RELAX...give me a break...I'll figure it all out soon enough. And if I can't, I'll just call my friend/computer guru Ryan & get him to explain it to me.